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After combing through the data for hours, academics have discovered the cause of the mass shooting in Charleston. Turns out it was comedian Amy Schumer’s fault. You see, she once joked, “I used to date Hispanic guys, but now I prefer consensual,” and that led to a climate of racism that Dylann Roof seized upon when he killed nine people. Previously the experts were sure it was a flag’s fault. They also blamed guns (though few mentioned how these shootings always happen in gun-free zones). I’m a little confused by this latest discovery because I remember George Lopez making a joke about how Chicanos don’t care when their wives have headaches. They just say, “Sucks to be you, roll over.” (I’m paraphrasing.) Black churchgoers likely survived the Lopez joke because the climate hadn’t reached its breaking point yet. I guess offensive comedy’s deadly effect is cumulative? This must be why Amy apologized.