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Zombie Self Defense – part four – Unarmed Combat!




Self Defense
Part Four



You really do not want

to fight a zombie
without a weapon.

Perhaps you are one of
those people who do not
want to fight a zombie,
(Wimp) Be that as it may,

if worse comes to worse
and you can not find anything
to serve as a weapon and you
are forced to go hand to hand
with the Walking Undead,
these tips and tricks will
keep you alive. If they don’t work

and you get killed,
so sue me. One thing above all:
you do not fight a Zombie

the same way you fight
a serial killer, rapist,
whatever. The over rated groin kick

(most street fighters expect
this and have a defense
that hurts if you connect
will not faze a Zombie. Zombies don’t feel pain

the way the living do,
so forget ‘hurting” it. You want to disable it

so you can run away. You won’t be destroying

it’s brain with your fist
or a Karate chop.
Never punch a

Zombie in the mouth.
The punch won’t hurt it,
and if it’s teeth cut you
and you get Zombie germs
into your bloodstream,
you will die and become
a Walking Undead yourself.

Chances are,
the Zombie will be unarmed,
or at best have a club
type weapon. Zombies almost

never hold a gun,
and even if they do,
they are lousy shots. They don’t use

knives as a rule. The Undead never use kicks,

their balance is awful so
they keep both feet
on the ground. Zombies are not punchers,

they are grabbers and biters. They grab you to sink

their teeth into you. You can also bite

a Zombie back,
of course.Do not do that.




If you know you are

going hand to hand with
The Undead,
try to shed loose clothing,
they will grab onto it.

If you have long hair,
cut it off or stuff it under
a cap so they do not grab
it and pull you to their
waiting incisors. If you have scissors or

a knife to cut your hair,
screw cutting your hair,
stab the Zombie in the eye
with your scissors or knife,
Stripping off excess clothing

that can be grabbed is a
good idea,
but leave on your underwear,
you DO NOT want anything
that hangs or flops or bounces
in a most alluring way
to get grabbed, ouch. Never discard

your shoes though. Step on broken glass,

sharp debris, whatever,
and you can’t run,
maybe even fall,
and you are in big trouble. If you have some cooking oil,

motor oil, Vasoline, sex lube,
lard, bear grease or
something of the type
smear or pour it over you. Grabby Zombies hate that,

it makes you much harder
to hold on to. If an Undead reaches for you,

grab one or two fingers and
bend them back sharply,
broken fingers can
not grab you. If you have a pair of gloves,

put them on,
the thicker the better,
in case you do get a bite on
the hand it may keep the
germs out of
your bloodstream. .

______ANIhauntedHouse4C.gif (29416 bytes)


If an Undead’s face gets

within striking range,
a heel of the palm blow to
the forehead or under the
chin can fend it off for a
second for you to create
some distance
between you. If the creature is that close

and you are wearing gloves,
make one hand like a
Vulcan salute and ram two
fingers into each of it’s eyes. Blind Zombies are at

a great disadvantage.

Never kick a Zombie above
the knee unless you are
really quick and good at it.

It may grab your foot
and will bite your foot
or ankle.

Do kick an Undead under
the kneecap to pop it off,
or kick it’s knee flat on
to bust the knee joint.

Only forty five pounds
of pressure can dislocate
a knee.

If a Zombie grabs you around
the neck with both hands,
or you can sneak up
behind one,
take the palms of both hands
and box it’s ears with
all your might.

The imploding pressure on
it’s eardrums will rock the
world of the largest Zombie,
destroy it’s hearing,
and may make it pass out.

This move is great
against serial killers also,
even big strong ones.

Zombies can sometimes
be distracted with words.

Try yelling,
“Hey you teenagers,
help me!” or
“You cheerleaders and
football players,
run, run now!”

As we have discussed before, teenagers are a Zombies
favorite food source.

Horny teenage football players
and cheerleaders are beyond tempting to The Undead.

Perhaps yell,
“Your horny kissing
teenagers, get out of here,

Most or all Zombies within
hearing range will turn and
shuffle in the direction you
are are looking at that point.

Unless you are a horny
teenage cheerleader or
football player,
of course.

Remember to avoid getting
into a group of Zombies,
don’t let them surround you,
try to keep fighting them
one on one,
or even better,
run run run.

More on this subject later,
also improvised Zombie
weapons, Zombie pranks,
and Zombie tactics.

Till next time –


July 27th, 2009


One Response to “Zombie Self Defense – part four – Unarmed Combat!”

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