To be bi or not to be bi, that is the question!
ALMOST all of us
have the potential
to be bisexual to
some extent,
the Dear Deidre
page of
The U.K. Sun
reports June 8th.
By this I mean we can all
feel attracted to our own sex
as well as the opposite sex.
People who make the noisiest
protestations about being
100 per cent straight are
usually reflecting their anxiety
about their own homosexual
feelings rather than the
true state of their sexuality.
However,
that doesn’t mean all of us
will or should act on these
feelings.
What’s making it harder
and harder for people of all
ages to make sensible decisions
about this issue is that lots of
sexual rules seem to have
been thrown out of the window
over recent years.
Tolerance is being mistaken
for an idea that anything goes,
and if you desire someone that
is justification enough to have
sex with them.
But a lot of hurt and
confusion results,
so let’s go back to basics.
Something like one in 20
people grows up feeling more
attracted to their own sex
than the opposite sex.
They may not at first
realize they’re gay, though,
because there is still such
social pressure to conform,
to fit in with your parents’
ideas for you,
perhaps to marry
and have a family.
Just to confuse the picture,
some teenagers are very shy
with the opposite sex,
especially if they have had
little contact with them at
school or in social groups.
In that case it is not surprising
that their developing sexuality
can express itself early on in
strong feelings for people of
the same sex whom they know
and like or admire.
Later on,
as they become more
comfortable with the
opposite sex,
their sexual feelings will start
to focus on them, if they are
predominantly heterosexual.
Meanwhile some,
who are mainly gay but find
it hard to come out,
suppress their homosexual or
lesbian feelings for a few years,
but they won’t be able to
do so for ever.
As their gay feelings emerge,
they often start to believe
they must be bi-sexual.
And in fact,
while they continue to enjoy
a sexual relationship with
their partner,
that may well appear
to be true.
But having heard from
thousands of readers over
the years in these situations,
I have to say that this is
usually a one-way journey
of sexual exploration.
These men and women
usually eventually leave
their partner,
even if they have children
together,
and go off to form
gay relationships.
In other words,
their gay feelings had been
repressed by social pressures
rather than them being
truly bisexual.
During the time in which
their gay feelings are emerging
however,
men and women who believe
themselves bisexual may try
to convince their partner to
let them have relationships
with people of their own sex,
suggesting this isn’t really
cheating,
or that they can’t help their
gay feelings so should not be
expected to ignore them.
Increasingly these days they
may suggest their partner join
in a threesome with them and
a person of their own sex –
that way they get the gay
experience they long for
without being labelled gay.
No matter how tempting it
is for the partner to agree,
especially if they’re trying to
hang on to a marriage with
children who’ll be affected by
any breakdown,
I have to advise against it.
They won’t enjoy it and it’s
very unlikely to turn out to be
a one-off as their partner will
just crave more and more
such experiences.
True bisexuality is fairly rare
and is in any case no excuse
for cheating –
any more than feeling attracted
to someone of the same sex
as your partner is an excuse.
Life and relationships
involve choices.
Anyone who is in a straight
relationship but is feeling
strongly attracted to people
of their own sex must accept
that this doesn’t give them
license to cheat,
or to demand their partner
join in some form of
swinging or swapping.
They need counselling to
help them understand their
sexuality better and decide
how they’re going to organise
their relationships.
And this is especially true
if they have children.
Children can survive all
sorts of emotional upheaval –
as long as their parents
love them,
care for them and are honest
with them as appropriate,
given their age.
Being deceived about the
nature of their parent’s
relationship can be very
damaging, though.
problems@deardeidre.org
ALMOST all of us
have the potential
to be bisexual to
some extent,
the Dear Deidre
page of
The U.K. Sun
reports June 8th.
By this I mean we can all
feel attracted to our own sex
as well as the opposite sex.
People who make the noisiest
protestations about being
100 per cent straight are
usually reflecting their anxiety
about their own homosexual
feelings rather than the
true state of their sexuality.
However,
that doesn’t mean all of us
will or should act on these
feelings.
What’s making it harder
and harder for people of all
ages to make sensible decisions
about this issue is that lots of
sexual rules seem to have
been thrown out of the window
over recent years.
Tolerance is being mistaken
for an idea that anything goes,
and if you desire someone that
is justification enough to have
sex with them.
But a lot of hurt and
confusion results,
so let’s go back to basics.
Something like one in 20
people grows up feeling more
attracted to their own sex
than the opposite sex.
They may not at first
realize they’re gay, though,
because there is still such
social pressure to conform,
to fit in with your parents’
ideas for you,
perhaps to marry
and have a family.
Just to confuse the picture,
some teenagers are very shy
with the opposite sex,
especially if they have had
little contact with them at
school or in social groups.
In that case it is not surprising
that their developing sexuality
can express itself early on in
strong feelings for people of
the same sex whom they know
and like or admire.
Later on,
as they become more
comfortable with the
opposite sex,
their sexual feelings will start
to focus on them, if they are
predominantly heterosexual.
Meanwhile some,
who are mainly gay but find
it hard to come out,
suppress their homosexual or
lesbian feelings for a few years,
but they won’t be able to
do so for ever.
As their gay feelings emerge,
they often start to believe
they must be bi-sexual.
And in fact,
while they continue to enjoy
a sexual relationship with
their partner,
that may well appear
to be true.
But having heard from
thousands of readers over
the years in these situations,
I have to say that this is
usually a one-way journey
of sexual exploration.
These men and women
usually eventually leave
their partner,
even if they have children
together,
and go off to form
gay relationships.
In other words,
their gay feelings had been
repressed by social pressures
rather than them being
truly bisexual.
During the time in which
their gay feelings are emerging
however,
men and women who believe
themselves bisexual may try
to convince their partner to
let them have relationships
with people of their own sex,
suggesting this isn’t really
cheating,
or that they can’t help their
gay feelings so should not be
expected to ignore them.
Increasingly these days they
may suggest their partner join
in a threesome with them and
a person of their own sex –
that way they get the gay
experience they long for
without being labelled gay.
No matter how tempting it
is for the partner to agree,
especially if they’re trying to
hang on to a marriage with
children who’ll be affected by
any breakdown,
I have to advise against it.
They won’t enjoy it and it’s
very unlikely to turn out to be
a one-off as their partner will
just crave more and more
such experiences.
True bisexuality is fairly rare
Anyone who is in a straight
relationship but is feeling
strongly attracted to people
of their own sex must accept
that this doesn’t give them
license to cheat,
or to demand their partner
join in some form of
swinging or swapping.
They need counselling to
help them understand their
sexuality better and decide
how they’re going to organise
their relationships.
And this is especially true
if they have children.
Children can survive all
sorts of emotional upheaval –
as long as their parents
love them,
care for them and are honest
with them as appropriate,
given their age.
Being deceived about the
nature of their parent’s
relationship can be very
damaging, though.
problems@deardeidre.org
Leave a Reply