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To be bi or not to be bi, that is the question!





ALMOST all of us 

have the potential 

to be bisexual to 

some extent, 

the Dear Deidre 

page of 

The U.K. Sun 

reports June 8th.

By this I mean we can all 

feel attracted to our own sex

as well as the opposite sex.

People who make the noisiest

protestations about being 

100 per cent straight are 

usually reflecting their anxiety

about their own homosexual 

feelings rather than the 

true state of their sexuality.


that doesn’t mean all of us 

will or should act on these 


What’s making it harder 

and harder for people of all 

ages to make sensible decisions

about this issue is that lots of 

sexual rules seem to have 

been thrown out of the window

over recent years.


Tolerance is being mistaken 

for an idea that anything goes,

and if you desire someone that

is justification enough to have

sex with them.

But a lot of hurt and 

confusion results, 

so let’s go back to basics.

Something like one in 20 

people grows up feeling more 

attracted to their own sex 

than the opposite sex.

They may not at first 

realize they’re gay, though, 

because there is still such 

social pressure to conform, 

to fit in with your parents’ 

ideas for you, 

perhaps to marry 

and have a family.

Just to confuse the picture, 

some teenagers are very shy 

with the opposite sex, 

especially if they have had 

little contact with them at 

school or in social groups.


In that case it is not surprising

that their developing sexuality

can express itself early on in 

strong feelings for people of 

the same sex whom they know

and like or admire.

Later on, 

as they become more 

comfortable with the 

opposite sex, 

their sexual feelings will start

to focus on them, if they are 

predominantly heterosexual.

Meanwhile some, 

who are mainly gay but find 

it hard to come out, 

suppress their homosexual or 

lesbian feelings for a few years,

but they won’t be able to 

do so for ever.

As their gay feelings emerge, 

they often start to believe 

they must be bi-sexual.

And in fact, 

while they continue to enjoy 

a sexual relationship with 

their partner, 

that may well appear 

to be true.


But having heard from 

thousands of readers over 

the years in these situations, 

I have to say that this is 

usually a one-way journey 

of sexual exploration.

These men and women 

usually eventually leave 

their partner, 

even if they have children 


and go off to form 

gay relationships. 

In other words, 

their gay feelings had been 

repressed by social pressures

rather than them being 

truly bisexual.

During the time in which 

their gay feelings are emerging


men and women who believe 

themselves bisexual may try 

to convince their partner to 

let them have relationships 

with people of their own sex, 

suggesting this isn’t really 


or that they can’t help their 

gay feelings so should not be 

expected to ignore them.


Increasingly these days they 

may suggest their partner join

in a threesome with them and 

a person of their own sex – 

that way they get the gay 

experience they long for 

without being labelled gay.

No matter how tempting it 

is for the partner to agree, 

especially if they’re trying to 

hang on to a marriage with 

children who’ll be affected by 

any breakdown, 

I have to advise against it.

They won’t enjoy it and it’s 

very unlikely to turn out to be 

a one-off as their partner will 

just crave more and more 

such experiences.


True bisexuality is fairly rare 
and is in any case no excuse 
for cheating – 
any more than feeling attracted
 to someone of the same sex 
as your partner is an excuse. 

Life and relationships 
involve choices.

Anyone who is in a straight 

relationship but is feeling 

strongly attracted to people 

of their own sex must accept 

that this doesn’t give them 

license to cheat, 

or to demand their partner 

join in some form of 

swinging or swapping.


They need counselling to 

help them understand their 

sexuality better and decide 

how they’re going to organise 

their relationships.

And this is especially true 

if they have children. 

Children can survive all 

sorts of emotional upheaval – 

as long as their parents 

love them, 

care for them and are honest 

with them as appropriate, 

given their age.

Being deceived about the 

nature of their parent’s 

relationship can be very 

damaging, though.










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