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Zombie Self Defense!



by Rash Manly
April 5th, 2009


Zombies always attack
when you least expect it.

Visiting a graveyard or
exploring that old house
in the woods,
the one time you let your
guard down is when the
Walking Undead always
seem to appear.

But words of wisdom
in advance and a few
common household items
can turn getting eaten alive
into a great story you can
tell your friends later,
providing you
have a later.

This is where
I come in.

A leading expert in
Zombie Destruction as
well as Monster Mashing,
due to my decades of
scary movies study,
and playing the Hell
out of Resident Evil
let me teach you how you
can turn the dinner tables
on those annoying
smelly Walking Undead.

The first thing to remember

Zombies are slow
moving and stupid.
Take advantage of this.

Zombies are not to be
confused with humans
infected with The Rage virus.

The rage virus erupted in
the United Kingdom a few
years ago when some animal
rights idiots broke into an
animal testing lab and
let the virus escape.

Humans infected with
The Rage run very fast
and will eat you,
but they are NOT zombies,
so do not be confused.

The Living Undead
shuffle along,
stink due to poor personal
bathing habits and rot,
and they have terrible balance.

Their eyesight
is poor at best,
and they can not
see in the dark.

Their sense of smell
is pretty keen,
mainly involving blood
or brain matter.

Their hearing is
average for a human.

Sense of taste,
who knows,
but they seem to enjoy
fresh meat – and brain
matter even more so.

Zombies hate tofu,
but who doesn’t.

The best Zombie fight
is one you do not have
to engage in.

Avoid if you can graveyards,
spooky old large wooden
and roadside diners.

Summer camps are
pretty much zombie free,
the serial killers may
scare them off,
no one knows
for sure why.

The one group of
people most in danger
from Zombies are
Horny Teenagers.

Avoid small groups
of Horny Teenagers unless
you are using them
as Zombie Bait.

During a Zombie Attack,
Horny Teenage Football Players
and Horny Sexy Teenage
Cheerleaders are a Zombies
food of choice.

While the Zombies
are attacking them,
you have a chance
to run.

You could also risk your
life trying  to save the
Horny Teenagers,
but of course why on
Earth would you want to.

In the movies,
a shotgun blast to the head
will make an Undead very
Dead then and there.

But who carries
a shotgun in a diner?

Your best bet in a Zombie
Attack is use the weapons
all around you.

In a roadside diner,
quickly unscrew the top
off the salt and pepper

Mix the contents in both
fists and hurl it into
the Zombie’s face.

This both blinds the
Undead briefly and ruins
their sense of smell
for a time.

Pick up the ketchup bottle
then and unscrew the top.
Cradle the base of the bottle
in the palm of your favorite
hand and thrust the tip of
the bottle into the
Zombie’s eye socket.

With any luck,
the glass will enter
the creature’s brain.

Kill a Zombie’s brain
and you kill the undead
once and for all.

If the Zombie
does not die,
at least you have taken
out half it’s vision forever.

If you are cornered
and can not run,
box the Zombie’s ears
with both your hands,
slapping your open palms
against the creature’s ears,
as if you are clapping with
his or her head in the middle.

This is not a killing blow,
but it will implode the
monster’s eardrums,
both ruining it’s hearing
and stunning the creature.

Follow up with a swift kick
under the kneecap,
dislodging the cap
from the knee.

Only 45 pounds of force
will break a knee,
and a Zombie with one non
working knee can
not chase you.

Forget the groin kick,
Zombies don’t feel pain,
it is useless.
Bust a knee or stomp
a foot for better effect.

Jump on the counter
or on top of tables to
make your exit.
The high ground gives
you an advantage in
a Zombie Attack.

Zombies do
understand some words,
if they are not too decayed
and suffering brain damage
other than being dead.

Try distracting Zombies
to help you escape,
if all else fails.

Try yelling something like,

“Oh no!
Ricky the Football Player
and Heather the Cheerleader
went into the bathroom
to have sex and
now they are trapped!”

When the Zombie or
Zombies turn to shuffle
to the bathroom,
make your escape.


One Response to “Zombie Self Defense!”

  1. […] Zombie Self Defense! Zombie Self Defense – part two! Zombie Self Defense – part three! […]

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